


Rimmer's Report

by felineranger



Series: The Todster Files [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-19 04:09:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3595806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the interlude with Todhunter seen in 'The End', Rimmer decides to make a complaint.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rimmer's Report

 

                Rimmer marched down the corridor after the shift ended, glowering ferociously and already composing a report in his head. Damn Todhunter, with his neat well-behaved hair and shiny pips, humiliating and undermining him just so he could act all buddy-buddy with Lister. It was sickening. Well, that smarmy toff could chortle all he liked. Wait until he saw the complaint Rimmer was going to file about his inappropriate over-familiarity with junior crew-members. Lister too. He wouldn’t be laughing nearly so hard when he found out the ship’s first officer wanted to get in his pants.

 

                He’d been sitting in the cafeteria by himself one day when he’d first heard the rumours. A few members of G shift were sitting at the table behind him and his ears had pricked up when he heard a familiar name. “…got about as much chance of getting with her as Todhunter does of ever banging Lister.” Rimmer’s fork had slowed dramatically on its way to his mouth as raucous laughter pealed behind him. What the smeg? Had he heard that right?

“Can you imagine it though? I mean seriously?” one guy was saying.

Another voice chimed in, in a poor imitation of Lister’s scouse accent, “Yo, Todhunter! Get a wiggle on down there, will ya? Me curry’s gettin’ cold!”

“I actually think it’s kind of sweet,” a woman’s voice said cheerfully, “They could make a really cute couple.”

“Oh, come on!”

“Seriously though, think about it. Todhunter might smooth off some of Lister’s rough edges. Get him to wash his socks more often, teach him a thing or two about table manners. In return Lister can ruffle Todhunter up a bit. Get him to go out dancing, buy a leather jacket or something.”

“Yeah, that’s all very nice, but come on, Diaz. It’s never gonna happen.”

“You never know.”

“Lister’s not gay. He’s all twitterpated with Kochanski for one thing. Not like _that’s_ ever going to happen either, mind.”

“Stranger things have happened.”

“Like Donaldson here getting a date with Miller? Which brings me back to my original point…”

                At first he’d dismissed it as just idle chit-chat between co-workers, but the conversation had disturbed Rimmer more than he cared to admit. Surely it had no basis in fact; they’d obviously just been talking hypothetically about unlikely couples - and what could be more unlikely than polished preppy Frank Todhunter having a fling with the man who was the lowest rank on the ship, and quite possibly lowest on the evolutionary ladder of the species too. No, they couldn’t have been serious.

                Yet barely a month later, at a training session, the unthinkable had become an unavoidable reality. As Todhunter had gone through the roll call for the day, Rimmer had interrupted him. “Excuse me, but do we really need to read out everyone’s surname _and_ initial? I have a lot of revision to do this afternoon and I‘d like to get done here as swiftly as possible.”

“Relax, Rimmer. I’m sure that we’ll be able to finish on time, initials or not,” Todhuter replied wryly.

“Give him a break, Rimmer,” Sneddon called from the back of the room, “He’s only doing it so he’ll finally get to put the D in Lister.” There was widespread sniggering. Todhunter blushed.

“Yes, yes, very funny. Where is Lister today anyway?”

“Shore leave. He’s down on Callisto with Petersen.”

“Very well, I’ll make a note.”

“Don’t be jealous, Frank. I’m sure there’s nothing in it. Although after a drink or twenty, who knows what might happen?” Sanchez wiggled his eyebrows.

Todhunter smiled tolerantly, “I’m sure they’ll have a very nice time, whatever happens.”

                Rimmer sat in shell-shocked silence as the horrific scene unfolded. Were these people serious? Was all of this some kind of practical joke? “What’s the appeal anyway?” Sneddon went on, “Why are you so hung-up on that little short-arse?”

“Don’t be unkind,” Todhunter said reprovingly, “Lister’s a lovely chap.”

“He smells like an Indian restaurant.”

“I like curry. And I like his smile.”

“Why don’t you just bite the bullet and ask him out?” Hoff chipped in. Rimmer looked around in disbelief. Was everyone in on this?

“Because I know what he’ll say,” Todhunter told them calmly, “And I don’t want to put him in an awkward position. It wouldn’t be right.”

“You don’t _know_ what he’ll say.”

“Lister’s not gay.”

“He might like the chance to find out.”

“Damn waste if you ask me,” Murray chipped in snidely from the back, “With those lips I bet he’d give amazing blow jobs.” There was a chorus of groans. Rimmer’s eyes bugged out slightly. “What?” Murray said defensively, “I’m just saying.”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Todhunter said firmly, picking up the register again, “I rather think we’ve strayed off topic. Back to business.”

                Rimmer spent the rest of the session gripping his pen so hard his fingers ached, trying not to think about the man in front of him having sex with his roommate. And definitely not thinking about Lister’s lips. Nope, nope, nope.

               

                That had been just over a month ago and Rimmer still wasn’t over the shock. The image of Lister with Todhunter kept coming back to haunt him. He couldn’t stop visualising it, even in his dreams. Especially in his dreams. Although sometimes, when he woke, he wasn’t 100% sure that the other man in his dreams was Todhunter. But it was someone who looked very like him. Someone who felt very familiar. Back in his quarters, Rimmer sat down at the table and started to write out his report. In detail.

 

                Lister was sloping back from the bar later that night, after another long evening of downing drink after drink in a vain attempt to pluck up the courage to talk to Kochanski. He’d almost made it this time. He’d gone all the way up to her. She’d turned to him with that gorgeous smile and everything he’d planned to say had immediately vanished from his head. “Hi Dave,” she’d said warmly. He’d smiled back helplessly, wracking his brains for something to say. “Hi,” he’d managed. Then turned and walked away again, silently screaming.

                “Hello again,” Todhunter fell into step beside him.

“Hey,” Lister said glumly.

“Everything alright? You look a little blue.”

“Yeah,” Lister sighed, “Everything except the fact that I’m a brain-dead moron obsessed with someone who barely knows I exist, and I can’t even seem to string two words together to try and change that.”

“Oh dear. Not to pry, but I’d heard on the grapevine that you were rather taken with a certain navigation officer.”

“How are you supposed to have a sensible conversation with someone, when all you want to do is drop to your knees before them and tell them that you worship them utterly?”

“Indeed,” Todhunter smiled wistfully.

“I feel like such an idiot.”

“Come now. We all go a bit daft when someone really floats our boat. When I first met my wife, I couldn’t think of a way to start up a conversation, so I accidentally-on-purpose spilled my martini over her.”

“Smooth,” Lister remarked.

“Well, it all worked out in the end.”

“I didn’t know you were married,” Lister said hesitantly. He’d seen Todhunter with a number of women in the short time he’d been on board.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Todhunter said, smiling, “It’s fine. Gilly and I have an understanding. Four and a half years is a long time to be away from home and we all get lonely.”

“Ah. Right,” Lister said tactfully, “Your wife sounds pretty cool.”

“She’s very open-minded.”

“Maybe I could try throwing a lager over Kochanski,” Lister mused.

Todhunter chuckled, “It’s not an approach I’d recommend. Perhaps you should persist in trying to talk to her.”

“But it’s so hard! She’s so beautiful and classy and I’m just…me.”

They stopped in front of the door to Lister’s quarters. Todhunter put his hands on his Lister’s shoulders and looked at him earnestly. “Now you listen to me. You are more than worthy of Kristine Kochanski or anyone else on this ship. You’re a good lad. You’re smart and you’re as cute as a button. She’d be lucky to have you.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. Sometimes we all want things we can’t have,” Todhunter told him gently, “Sometimes that’s just the way it is. But sometimes, the only thing getting in the way of what we want is us. If you want my advice, don’t get in your own way. Talk to her. If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried. But she’d be a fool to turn you down.”

“Thanks, man,” Lister drew himself up, inspired.

                “Lister!” Rimmer’s voice clanged through the door, “Don’t stand outside the door jabbering! I can hear you out there. If you’re coming in then just get on with it and…” The door whooshed open and Rimmer froze as he was confronted with the tableau before him. “What’s going on here?” he demanded, ashen-faced.

“Eh?” Lister asked confused.

“Get your hands off him!” Rimmer squawked at Todhunter. He grabbed Lister’s arm and yanked him inside forcefully.

“Ow! What the hell is the matter with you?” Lister protested.

Rimmer caught the scent of alcohol on his breath and his nostrils flared alarmingly. “You’ve been drinking! Has he been buying you drinks?” He rounded on Todhunter, “Were you trying to get him drunk?”

“What the smeg are you talking about?” Lister asked, “What’s got into you?”

“Dave and I just ran into each other in the corridor on the way back from the bar,” Todhunter explained. “We were having a chat, that’s all.”

“A nice intimate chat, it looked like. Cornered him while he was drunk, eh? Thought you could take advantage, maybe sneak in a little goodnight kiss?”

“I assure you, it was all completely innocent.” Todhunter looked embarrassed but also a little amused, which only infuriated Rimmer further.

“Save it for the tribunal, Todhunter! You wait until I add this to my report! Caught red-handed abusing your seniority! Trying to molest an inebriated subordinate! I’ll see you stripped of every one of your stripes, you pervy creep! You just wait!”

“Rimmer, what the hell?” Lister tried to intervene, “He wasn’t trying to molest me. Why would you even _think_ that? We were just talking. I’m not even that drunk.”

“Don’t be fooled, Lister! He’s been waiting for this moment, mark my words, trying to catch you when you’re vulnerable and weak. He wants you! He wants to drag you back to his quarters and eat curry off your naked body!”

“Have you lost your mind?”

                Todhunter squirmed bashfully, “Well, this is awkward,” he said. “I must confess, it’s true that I have something of a soft spot for you, Lister, but I never intended for you to find out. I didn’t want to make things weird.”

“Oh,” Lister was thrown, “Well, I can understand that. I mean, who would want to make things weird, right?” he glared pointedly at Rimmer.

“Don’t try and pull the gentlemanly act now, Todhunter. You weren’t nearly so sheepish when you were talking about his perfect blow-job lips, you slimeball!” Rimmer raged.

“You what?” Lister squeaked.

“Now, wait a minute,” Todhunter held up a hand, “I didn’t say that. It was Murray.”

“What? Wait. What? Hang a minute. Murray wants a blow job too?” Lister exclaimed.

“Well, I think it was more of a general observation than…Look, never mind.”

“When was all this being discussed?”

“Listen, I didn’t bring it up. Just a few of the chaps were teasing me the other day…”

“So who else knows?”

“The whole ship knows!” Rimmer spat, “Ask anyone. They’ll all tell you that this lowlife’s had his eye on you for months!”

“Oh, great. Brilliant. Is there anyone else who wants to shag me I should know about?” Lister demanded.

“I suspect there might be,” Todhunter said meaningfully, raising an eyebrow.

“Don’t try and change the subject!” Rimmer pointed at him accusingly, “You’re not wriggling out of this! You’re bang out of line, Squire, and your poncy Oxbridge pecker is going nowhere near his perfect lips, you hear me!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Lister piped up indignantly, “The only person who decides what my perfect lips get up to is me. What do you care anyway?” Rimmer didn’t seem to hear him. He was still on a roll.

“He’s not interested in you, so just stay away. Got that? No more friendly little chats when he’s been drinking. No more pally little jokes in the corridor. No playful banter. You are not getting your hands on him. You can forget all those filthy little fantasies you have about getting him naked and bathing him from head to toe in warm olive oil. It’s never going to happen!”

“Um, I don’t think I’ve ever fantasised about…”

“No olive oil! No blow jobs! No bending him over your desk chair and making creative use of the seat tilt! No hearing him moan your name over and over as you pound him into the mattress with his legs wrapped around your head! No dirty roleplay with costumes of dubious historical accuracy! No chocolate body paint! No raspberry ripple flavour edible jelly underpants! No vibrating rubber doodahs in weird shapes that you’re not even 100% sure where they’re supposed to go! He is not for you! Not you or anyone else! Do I make myself clear???”

There was a very long silence before Todhunter said, “Explicitly.”

He shared a look with Lister, who was standing behind Rimmer with a dazed expression. “I feel like I should go.”

“I think that’s probably a good idea,” Lister agreed faintly.

“That’s right, get out of here,” Rimmer panted, “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

                When the door clicked shut behind Todhunter, Rimmer turned to face Lister. “Can you believe the nerve of that guy?” he trilled.

“There’s a whole list of things I’m struggling to believe right now,” Lister told him.

“Don’t you worry, Lister,” Rimmer went back to the table and reopened his report, “I’m making a note of all this. I’m going to make sure the captain knows how that git tried to have his way with you. It’s all going on the record. Every last word.”

Lister watched him typing away furiously for a bit, wondering if there was any possibility that some kind of self-realisation would kick in shortly and Rimmer would understand what had just happened. What had _really_ happened, and not just his twisted deluded perception of it. He eventually concluded that this was not going to happen. “Rimmer?” he said tentatively.

“Hmmm?”

                Lister gave up. He was in no mood or state to deal with this right now. He didn’t even know where to begin. “Never mind,” he said limply. “I’m going to bed. Good night.”

“Yes, yes,” Rimmer said briskly, “Put your clothes away neatly. Don’t just leave them all over the floor.” Lister sighed heavily and wandered into the bathroom.

                Rimmer kept typing and snorted contemptuously through his nose. “Edible underpants indeed,” he muttered, “That desperate pathetic goit. Who would even think of such a thing?”

 


End file.
